A Selfish Goodbye
by Mythical Mirages
Summary: What if things ended differently that day at The Barn. What if Nathan knew he wouldn't be able to go on without Audrey, and stopped her from taking the gun from him. What if there was still a chance for everyone to be happy. Almost everyone, at least. Spoilers for S3E13 'Thanks for the Memories', Major Character Death.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Nathan Wuornos had a good eye and a logical mind. It was two of the things that made him the good cop. So when James claimed that Audrey would kill him, their son, to get rid of the troubles for good, he couldn't help frown. Audrey would never kill her own son. Not as Audrey, not as Lucy. So why would James think this?

He almost, _almost_, dismisses the idea completely, trying to convince James that he was wrong, that Audrey would _never_. And then she's there, trying to talk to him. And all Nathan can suddenly think about is Why. _Why_ would James think that killing him would stop the troubles?

His train of thought is interrupted when James argues with Audrey, and instinctually he tries to run interference. It's not the punch but the fact that he actually felt the blow that catches him off guard. His son just punched him, and it _hurt_. He must have said something to that effect, because the next thing he knows, Audrey is off to get Arla. It takes him all but a second to figure out why. If he felt James' punch, then troubles don't work. Arla's trouble wouldn't work. And you can't lie to your husband when you look like a ragdoll.

His theory proves right as his son flips out when he sees his wife and her stitched together face, and hears how she murdered young woman for it. And as Arla runs at Audrey with a knife, he does the only thing he can – throw himself at the murderess who has turned her sights on the woman he loves. But he's not the one the knife pierces. It finds his son instead, and for a few seconds he is in shock. Too in shock to stop Arla from going after Audrey, his subconscious assuring him that she could take care of it herself.

What follows is more of a blur. His mind works in overdrive as he takes Arla's body outside, leaving Audrey with James. He can't help but feel a pang of regret. Nathan wishes for a moment that he and Audrey could have had more time. More time to get to know their son, to love him, to explore their love for each other. Even Lucy had had the time to learn to love her son…

The truth clicks in his mind almost at the same time James is confessing it to Audrey in The Barn. Lucy loved her son, and he was convinced that to get rid of the troubles for good, Lucy tried to kill him. That was the key then. She had to kill someone she loved to end the troubles for good, or go into The Barn and repeat this accursed cycle every 27 years. When Audrey walks out of the wooden building, tears in her eyes and looking straight at him, he can see the resignation in her eyes and he knows he's right.

Nathan wasn't a selfish person. Neither was Audrey. But when it came to each other, they were. He didn't want to let her go, she didn't want to kill the man she loved. IT must have been that way every cycle. She would find out the truth, and once she did, refuse to kill the person she loved in exchange for her own freedom and the eternal release of all the Troubled. In that final moment, she would be both selfish and selfless – choosing to keep what she valued most alive by going into The Barn for the next cycle, and losing it and herself at the same time.

His eyes followed her as she said goodbye to everyone outside, and when she finally reaches him, he made his decision. She launches herself at him for a passionate kiss, but he pulls her back before he can get lost in the sensation.

"I can't lose you."

She opens her mouth to argue, but he stops her. "No, Audrey. I can't live without you. I won't. And what's worse, you'll go in there and when you come out, I'll either be an old man who will have to look at the woman he loved every day until you disappear again, or I'll be dead." Her eyes were tearing again. Worse than before. "I'm leaning towards the latter, because without you, my life is not worth living."

Audrey finally finds her voice. "Nathan, if I go in, your trouble will go away. You can fall in love with someone else…" saying this almost kills her, "You can have a normal life."

"Don't." It's strangled, but Nathan forces it out. "You get to be the selfish one every time Audrey. You choose The Barn every time. Who knows how many times you've known that you could kill your loved one and make it stop for everyone, but you choose to go in there, forgetting us while we have to live in pain, waiting for you to come back. Wondering if, when you do, you'll remember us at all."

Everyone was watching the exchange, and even Vince, knowing that Audrey had to go, wondered if there couldn't be some other way. They were running out of time, the meteors were coming down faster, but he couldn't bring himself to interrupt. It was coming to a head, they all knew, and none could bring themselves to move. Duke stood to the side, watching the couple, his heart breaking for Audrey, having to leave, for Nathan for having to say goodbye, and for himself as well, knowing he would lose her too, never having told her that he loved her as well. Not that he stood a chance against Nathan, but as long as Audrey was happy.

Nathan spoke again. "It's our turn to be selfish." He cupped her cheek and kissed her slowly, lovingly, sliding something into her palm. When she felt the cold metal in her hands, Audrey jerked back.

"Nathan, what…" his hand closed over hers, preventing her from dropping the gun as he interrupted her again.

"No, Audrey. This time I get to choose. I told you, I'm not going to live without you. So I can see only two ways out of this. Either you walk into that barn, and I shoot myself, or you shoot me, and end the cycle." For a moment he looked up and his eyes caught Duke's shocked ones before looking back at her. "Besides, there's someone else who will still be here who also loves you, and who you can love back in time." He hated saying that, but there was just no other way. He knew he wouldn't last without her, and Duke was the only other person he trusted enough to really look after _her_. Besides, Duke loved her. He knew that, had known it for a while. It would be enough.

He can see she knows who he's talking about. "Either way, Parker, I won't be here." He uses her last name now, trying to get her to understand. "I'll be free, and so will everyone else. And you can live, really live. Not just cycles of being other people, living only to fight and find out who you where before, until you reach this very point again. Over and Over. It has to stop somewhere. It stops here, Parker, now."

She knows it's true. Doesn't mean she – or he – has to like it. If it were up to him he would have pointed the gun at himself and forced her hand to pull the trigger by now, to just end it, but he was almost certain it worked the same way as the barn did. If she didn't pull the trigger of her own free will, it wouldn't work. He would be dead, and she would have to go into the Barn anyway.

"Please." He's almost begging now, and she's crying harder. "You have to make the choice." His hold on her hand is firm – not just to keep her from dropping the gun anymore, but because he wants to feel her. While he still can. He'd made his argument. The choice was still hers, it always was.

Audrey Parker had an open, sharp mind and an eye for the strange. It was two of the things that made her such a good investigator. And right now she hated her treacherous mind. Nathan's argument was logical, even if it was borne out of his selfish desire to never be apart from her unless in death. She could relate – she would willingly die before she left Nathan. But there was no ending where she didn't lose him. So did she choose to end his life herself, or force him to take his own life by taking the coward's way out.

That was exactly what it was, now that she thought about it. Taking the coward's way out – never able to take one life to save hundreds, maybe thousands. Didn't she ask Duke to make that decision not months ago? What kind of person would she be if she expected that from someone, and couldn't make the decision herself. Granted, Duke didn't love the man, and he was a murderous bastard, while she loved Nathan, but the argument stood.

Her eyes were blurry from tears as she looked down at the gun before turning to Howard.

"Is he right? If I choose to shoot him, would the troubles end?" she almost chokes on the words, and she faintly registers the shock on several of the surrounding faces that she would even ask such a thing, but her eyes are on the man who pretended to be her boss.

"Yes." Short, cold. "If you make the decision, and shoot him of your own free will, the cycle will stop and the troubles will be gone for good." He doesn't say anymore, even though Audrey wishes he would, wish that there would be some 'but' that could swing the argument back in favor of the Barn. But there's nothing more, and she knows that two options were quickly becoming one. She turns back to Nathan, and he is watching her like she's the only thing tethering him to life. She _is_the only thing.

"Hear that Parker?" he tries to smile, but it just looks like a pained grimace, and her heart breaks a little more. "You shoot me, and it's all over. No more troubles, no more cycles. A real chance for you to be happy." Andshe knows now – Nathan would always do anything to make her happy. Even at the cost of his own life. He would take a large chunk of her hearth with her, but she would have years to recover. A chance to actually have a life.

They both know the moment she's made her decision, and Nathan looks at Duke again. "Take care of her, Duke, or I will come back and kill you. I am on the approved list, remember?" Duke manages a choked laugh through the tears, but he nods. "Always."

Nathan looks back at her, and they come together in a kiss. It's the most passionate thing either of them had ever felt, filled with love and longing and heartbreak and everything they could have been. It's a kiss that makes the darkening day look brighter than ever before to the group around them, beautiful in a moment, and at the same time it was the most heart wrenching thing to witness.

A meteor hit the ground not too far away, in in the near deafening silence that followed, a gunshot rang out. And when the meteors suddenly stopped falling, everyone in Haven could swear that they heard the most heart wrenching wail throughout the town.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Audrey looks at the grave in front of her. They'd kept it simple, with only his name and the dates. Vince had insisted, however, on putting an engraving of the tattoo on it. "No one has ever deserved it more." He'd said.

"I still miss you, you know." It's not a question. "I think I always will. But you were right, as always." A single tear makes it down her cheek and she smiles softly at the grave. "Things are so different now. You've made being a cop in Haven completely boring. Just routine things every day. Stan is getting fat on doughnuts." She talks to him about everyday things, like their old conversations. "Dwight is police chief now, believe it or not. It's really weird, but since there's nothing to 'clean up' anymore, he didn't really know what else to do with his time. He's rather good at it, and it turns out he really has a way with people." She chuckles, staring a little longer before going on.

"Duke's still keeping his promise. He's been really good to me. He still runs the Gull, and I don't think he'll ever get rid of it or of the _Cape_. He's fixed both of them up though – probably because Lucy loved going out on it so much." She stares into the distance now, and without realizing it she hugs herself a little tighter as the cool wind picks up. In a second, Duke is beside her, pulling a coat over her shoulders and she smiles at him. She can't help the little jibe, "I didn't really believe you when you said I could love him.."

"Ouch." He's quick to respond, but they're still smiling at each other.

"But you were right again. I did." She looked down at the grave again, and her hands curved around her pregnant belly and her smile turned sad. "We found out it's a boy yesterday, and we decided to call him Nathan." Duke hugs her just a little tighter. "I'm surprised he suggested it."

"Yeah, well, we need a Nathan running around this place – it's _way_ too quiet." They both chuckle this time, and Audrey's isn't the only one containing traces of loss.

"Lucy is really excited about finally having a younger sibling. She says she should have had one when she was two, five is almost too old to have a little brother running around, but at least she's old enough to care for him."

"Smart and Sassy, just like her mom." Duke chips in again, before placing a quick kiss on Audrey's cheek and turning away, back to the car where Lucy was waiting. He's learned enough about Audrey and her body language to know she needs a moment.

"He's a good man." She says as Duke walks away. "Um…" hesitation, and she's crying a little harder now. Still quietly, but the tears fall quicker. "You've been gone almost ten years now Nathan, and although I still miss you sometimes, I have a happy life now – just like you wanted for me. But I'm not free yet, because I haven't let you go. And that's why I'm here." She sighs. "I will never forget you, but I'm happy, really happy, now. I have a man who loves me, and who I love, a beautiful daughter, a son on the way, and it's right. Thank you for that." She places a quick kiss on her fingertips before running her hand over the top of the gravestone.

"You okay?" Duke calls from a few steps behind her. She can't help but smile at the worry in his voice.

"Yes, I'll be there in a second." She looks back at the stone for what would probably be the last time. "Goodbye Nathan. I love you."

With that she walks back to her husband, who takes her in his arms and lovingly wipes away the tears. Audrey kisses him in thanks, and he hugs her tightly. "Come." She says when he pulls back. "Let's go home."

And they do.

* * *

AN: My First Haven piece. It almost killed me writing this, but once I had the idea, it just wouldn't go away. I'm actually a big fan of Nathan/'Audrey pairings, but sometimes you just can't help but notice the almost resigned way Duke loves Audrey from afar and puts her happiness before his.

I'm considering writing a full piece about Audrey and Duke's life together. Please let me know what you think! Any reviews welcome!


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